The hole in my armor.

Warning: Theological Content.  Also, this post is very long.

Today I’m going to talk about an issue that has been on my mind for…well, to be honest, the last few years.  Yes, you read that correctly, years.  It’s something that I’ve generally kept to myself, because I don’t always feel comfortable sharing this, because people don’t really understand.  You think you do, but you really don’t.  It's a really personal issue for me, and I don't know how to share it without getting into the gritty stuff that is my life.  So you're going to read the grit today.  This is the stuff I don't normally share with you, because it might make you angry.  You may still not understand.  But if I don't attempt to help you understand, I will regret it.

 

The issue is loneliness.

Oh, loneliness!  You might say.  I’ve been lonely before.  True.  Many of us have been lonely before.  But few of us have ever really suffered from true loneliness.

You see, loneliness is more than just being alone.  It’s more than just needing the physical presence of another person.  Loneliness goes deeper than that.  Loneliness means that you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone.  It’s the feeling that no one is there to meet your emotional needs.  There’s no one who loves you, BUT there’s also no one to give your love to.  It’s the feeling that there is no one to walk alongside you to share in your joys, your sorrows, to help you through troubled times.  Someone who understands not only your feelings, but also why you feel those feelings. There’s still more to loneliness than that, but I don’t know how to explain it.

Sharing your emotional needs with someone is essential for human functioning.  When we cannot do that, we are missing out on a basic himan need.  There’s a psychologist named Maslow, and he was the guy that identified some basic human needs.  He actually came up with a hierarchy, an order of needs that need to be met.  Here’s how I picture it:

Imagine your plane crashes on a deserted island.  You’re stranded.  You have no supplies. And you’re stuck there forever.  What’s the first thing you need? Food and water and other physiological needs.  That’s the first level of the hierarchy.  What comes next?  Shelter.  With shelter comes safety.  The next thing on the list: love.  Emotional needs are third.  Before a job, before confidence, before self-esteem.  Emotional needs are THAT important.  

Here's how I know all of this.  I am lonely.  So lonely that all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. And I have been feeling like this for at least 5 years.  Even amongst my family, I've felt lonely.  And for the past 5 years, you've been saying go out and make friends!  Meet new people!  Call up your old friends!

It's not that easy.

Being around people doesn't cure the loneliness.  If that were the case, I would have tried it a long time ago.  In fact, sometimes that makes it worse.  Because even if I was with my old friends, we weren't connecting on the emotional level that I needed to connect on.

Here's what I've heard my entire life: Beth, you're a Christian.  You have Jesus.  You shouldn't feel lonely because Jesus is always walking beside you.  Read the footprints poem.

Yes.  I know.  But.

Christian school teaches you how to be a fake Christian.  I'm like an M&M.  I have a candy-coated Christian shell, and a melty disinterested Christian on the inside.  I've accepted Jesus as my savior, I know what it means that he died for me, etc, etc.  Throw a theological or Biblical question at me, and I can probably answer it.  But I'm a baby Christian.  I have not had a true relationship with God ever.

Ever.  In my life.

As a result, I am lonely.  And that loneliness has become my idol.

Huh?

In church this past Sunday, the pastor was talking about things that are idols.  He quoted Tim Keller, who wrote that the things that we think about when we're by ourselves, with nothing pressing on our mind - those are our idols.  When you have down time, and you have nothing else to worry about, if you're not thinking about God, whatever you're thinking about is your idol.  When I have down time, I think about relationships.  I think about what could be if I were in a relationship with a guy.  I think that if I were in a relationship, that would solve all my problems, it would cure me.

Nope.  Here's the truth.  Our idols can't save us.  Only Jesus can.

Spiritual warfare is a real thing.  It happens, even if we don't talk about it.  Well, I'm going to talk about it.

Satan likes to attack our weak points.  I compare it to wearing armor.  When soldiers wear armor, their enemies always go for the weak spots, the holes in the armor.  Satan comes for our holes in our armor, and makes it really hard for us.  My hole is loneliness and my desire for a relationship.  That's where he gets me every time.  And makes it really hard to trust in Jesus alone.  He makes it hard to realize that Jesus can fulfill all my needs.

So.  I've finally figured out why I'm at Gordon-Conwell.  It's to work on my relationship with Jesus Christ.  To realize that Jesus is enough to fill my wants and needs.  Everything else - classes, work, studying, friendships, none of it is as important as my relationship with Christ.  For the first time ever, I am going to be in relationship with Christ.  I realize this is going to be a process.  And not an easy one. But my hope is that even if I've angered you, you will help me in this process, and encourage me to grow.