My mother has been bugging me to write on this thing since Christmas.
Oops.
So hello there! (Hi Mom - I'm writing again!)
It seems that I only write when I have something pressing on my mind, a deep theological issue that needs to be addressed. And I think that maybe if I struggle with it, other people are struggling with it too. Today's issue: Trust.
Turns out, I have trust issues.
It's not that I don't trust other people (although that can sometimes happen). I don't trust God. Like ever.
That's kind of a problem.
Here's how I figured this out. I obsess about my future ALL the time. Seriously. All the time. I don't think I know how to live in the present. I love making plans, I love figuring my life out. When I think about the future, I also think about the future relationship that I want to have with my spouse. And, as mentioned previously (in another post), relationships are my idol. Or to clarify, the desire for a relationship is my idol. In church, our pastor talked about having a false positive. A false positive is something that seems good that you think will make your life better and fix all your problems.
My false positive - same as my idol. Relationships. I think that being in one is going to fix my problems. So why do I have this as my false positive?
I don't trust that God is ever going to give me a relationship, because it's been so long since I've been in one. I'm going on 6 years without a relationship (it hurts my heart a little to write that). I've been desperately lonely for 6 years, and God hasn't done anything to change it. A relationship would solve all my problems. I wouldn't be lonely anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about the future so much.
I don't trust God, because I don't believe that he is enough for me. I feel like he's holding back from me, withholding what I want. I don't think that he will give me the desires of my heart, because he hasn't in the past.
But here's the thing: if I trust God, if I TRULY trust him, he will either give me the desires of my heart, or change those desires so that I won't even feel the lack of the original desire. (Thank you, Sarah, for those wonderful words of wisdom.)
Unfortunately, there's no 12-step program to trusting God. I know. I looked. Additionally, trusting God doesn't happen overnight. I tried that too. You can't just pray, "God, let me trust you, Amen." It's a process. A gradual one that is probably going to be painful.
So for those of you reading this who are struggling with this as well, my advice is as follows (and please note, I'm not an authority on the issue):
While there is no 12-step program to trusting God, there are a few things you can do.
1. Figure out why God is trustworthy. Here's two reasons (and there are many more!):
a. He's our creator. He knows us inside and out. Just check out Psalm 139.
b. He loves us. He loves us enough to die for us. He loves us enough that even though we're sinners, the lowest of the low, he still died for us to save us from an eternity without him.
2. Figure out what you need to let go of to trust him. For me, it's letting go of the desire for relationships. Let me give you a Biblical example: Abraham. God told Abraham that he was going to have a son in his old age, and through that son he would have as many descendants as the stars in the sky. So God gives Abraham a son, Isaac. Abraham loves Isaac so much. He thought he and Sarah would never have kids, so for God to give him a son in his old age is just so completely wonderful and he cannot imagine ever giving up his child. Until God asks him to. God says to Abraham, take Isaac up to this place that I'm going to show you, and sacrifice him to me. At this point, Abraham's probably freaking out. And although Genesis never tells us exactly what's going on in Abraham's head, he's probably thinking, "Wait, God. You said you were going to bless me through this child. And now you're asking me to kill him? You're taking away what you promised you would give me?" But Abraham had to trust God. He had to trust that even if he killed his own son, God wouldn't back out on his promise. He didn't know how God was going to do it, he just trusted that God would do it. So Abraham does it. He takes his son, puts him on the altar, and is THISCLOSE to sacrificing Isaac when God stops him. God says, "Okay, you have shown me that you love me more than your own son. Your trust in me is greater than your love for earthly things, and I'm going to bless you in ways that you can't even imagine." Abraham had to let go of his love for Isaac and trust God.
3. Figure out how to make God the Lord of your life. People use the metaphor of putting God in the drivers' seat. Hey, if that works, run with it. Here's a verse that I've found extremely helpful from Romans 14:18, "Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ" (this is from the Message. Yes, I'm a seminary student, and I'm supposed to hate the Message, but if it helps me look at and understand the Bible in new ways, I'm going to use it.). In everything that I do, I need to ask, is this serving Christ? Does this conversation serve Christ? Does this relationship serve Christ? Is what I'm thinking serving Christ? If it is, then I will continue on. If not, then I won't do it, because it's not going anywhere. I think that as long as I'm doing that, the trust will come. Abraham served God, and as a result, trusted that he was going to fulfill his promise. I think God will do the same for me.
That's not to say that I'm going to be awesome at this. I'm not. I'm going to continually have to identify my desires that are getting in the way of trusting God. I will have to ask every single day if every single thing I do is serving Christ. This isn't going to happen overnight. And there are days when I'm not going to want to do it. But I know that if I do, God's going to give me so much more than I ever expected.
So Mom, you asked for a blog post. Hope this met your expectations:)
Also, this is the first time I've told people other than my family about this blog. If you're not my family, be gentle. I don't do well with criticism (maybe that deserves it's own blog post).
