1. Sometimes people in seminary make me feel dumb. Because they're so smart. I mean, seriously, they're really smart. They even sound smart when they talk about everyday things. And somewhere, someone is always having a deep theological discussion.
I think that sometimes we live up on our high holy hill and forget about the outside world. That's one of the perils of being in seminary - we forget how to relate to people who live in the real world. It's great to have deep theological discussions, but we have to remember who we will be preaching/teaching to some day. We need to be able to reach out to the non-believer and talk to them at their level. We don't want to scare people off with our big words or theological concepts. We have to be like Paul. In 1 Corinthians 2 he basically says: look, I'm not coming to you with brilliant thoughts or speech. I'm coming to you in weakness and in fear. Because I have something to tell you, and it's not about me. It's about Jesus. And it's awesome. And you need to know about it. And I'm not going to use big theological arguments, I'm not going to sound smart and use big words. You know why? Because I don't want you to come to faith because of the wise things that I say. I want you to come to faith because of the amazing power of the Holy Spirit.
That's what matters: God working in people's lives. The message that we are giving is more important than sounding smart. We are at seminary to get Biblically-based theological training so that we can tell others about the the most important thing in the world. So sometimes we all have to tell our brains to shut up, and work on our hearts. We have to believe this message that we're telling people about. When we talk to people, that's what's going to come through to them. If we sound smart, we may end up alienating them. But if we connect to people on a heart level, I think we'll reach them more.
2. I say this because I'm feeling inadequate right now. Inadequacy sucks. You just feel like no matter what you do, you'll never measure up. I'm the worst at this.
I constantly compare myself to other people. We all do this. It's exam crunch time, which means a lot of reviewing with other people, reading their papers, and helping each other study. So when I read my friends' papers, I compare my writing style to theirs, and they always sound smarter than me. I feel like I write at a 6th grade level, and they're all writing at college level. I feel like I don't sound as though I belong in grad school. So I'm feeling inadequate in my writing.
I feel inadequate in other ways too. There's some amazingly beautiful girls around school. They're not perfect, but that only adds to their beauty. When I compare myself to them, I fall short every time. They have better hair than me. They have better skin than me. They have better teeth than me. They have better personalities than me. They have better style than me. Of course, being around so many guys doesn't help either. Because it's been so long since I've dated anyone, I get really hard on myself. I tend to think I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or Christian enough, and that's why no one will date me. And I look at the girls who are dating someone and think, oh, if only I were like them, I would have a boyfriend. As a result, I feel inadequate in the way that I look.
I also feel inadequate in my walk with God. Being in seminary is especially hard for this. You feel like since you're going to be preaching/teaching about God, you have to have an awesome faith. It has to be perfect. And there's people here that seem to have that. They are in the Word, they talk about their faith all the time, and seem to have this great relationship with God. I don't. This is my second time in seminary, I've been telling people that I'm a Christian for about 15 years now, and I'm still a baby Christian. Praying every day is a struggle for me. Reading my Bible every day is really a struggle for me. I look at some of the people here and wonder how they got to be so close with God, because I don't think it will ever happen for me.
Here's the conclusions that I've come to regarding these issues:
a.) What I think about myself is not necessarily how others view me. My friend Sarah read my blog, and she said I was a great writer. When she told me that I gave her a look and said, "huh?" She told me that when she reads my writing, it's as if she is actually having a conversation with me.
So I thought about that. And decided that yes, that is what I am trying to do. When I started this blog, I said it would be for family and friends, so I could tell them the events going on in my life. So you can have a conversation with me without me actually being there. I write in a similar way in my academic papers. It's because I want my readers to get a sense of me, of who I am, where I come from and where I'm going. It's my thoughts that are coming out on the page, no one else's. I want you to know how I'm engaging with whatever I happen to be writing about. Sounding academic is great, but when you lose your voice in your papers, you sound like you're simply spouting information. There's nothing personal about it. It could have come from anyone. I want my papers to be uniquely me.
b.) Even the most beautiful woman in the world compares herself to someone else. It's just how we roll. One of the beautiful women that I mentioned earlier told me the other day that she is jealous of my hair. I was completely astonished. Someone is comparing herself to me? That just doesn't happen! The fact is that there's always going to be things that we don't like about ourselves. Whether that's our hair, teeth, sense of style, whatever. I think it's more important to focus on what we do like about ourselves, instead of focusing on what we wish we had. So let me tell you about what I like about myself. At home, I'm generally surrounded by blue-eyed people. But here, there's not so many, and as a result, I've come to the conclusion that I have some really fantastically blue eyes. And it's awesome.
c.) When it comes to my walk with God, there's really only one person I should be comparing myself to. That person is Jesus. All I need to do is try to be like him. Not any of these other people that I know at school. Because chances are, they've got stuff they're struggling with too. Everyone falls short somewhere, it's not just me.
That wasn't seven million things. It was two. Hope you're okay with that. When I started this blog post, this was not really what I intended to write about. Sometimes, it's as if the words take over and I have no control. Weird. But apparently it was on my mind if I was writing about it.
Here's the funny story. It's not really that funny, it just shows you a little bit about what life is like as a seminarian.
I was at work the other day, talking to a kid who is about 9. He was talking about a comic book or a TV show or something, and said the word enemy. So I said out loud, "hey, did you know the Hebrew word for enemy is oyev?" (Oyev is my Hebrew transliteration. That's not really how it's spelled) He gave me a funny look. Then I realized, he probably doesn't care. He probably doesn't even know that the Hebrew language exists! Only in seminary would you start putting Hebrew words in everyday conversations.
It's exam crunch time now, and I should be studying, so I'm going to do that. Happy Sunday!
